Thursday, April 14, 2011

Well, that only took three years...

This blog post has nothing to do with mommyhood, or maybe it has everything to do with it, I'm not really sure. All I know is that in the span of about four hours, I managed to lose some baggage.

I slept wonderfully last night from about 2:30-6:30. It could be the most restful sleep I've gotten in over five months. And during this sleep, I had a long, detailed, strange, satisfying dream. My immediate family and I were on vacation somewhere that surely doesn't exist in real life, and we were awaiting the arrival of a couple of relatives from Las Vegas. The doorbell rang, but when I answered it I was quite surprised to find not a relative, but my ex-boyfriend, a.k.a. asshole, lying bastard, cheating coward, and beep (that last one is because for, eh, a year or so, the mere mention of his name would bring me to tears, so we censored his name with "beep"). He had come to make peace with me and apologize for his actions. I got Matt's permission to go on a walk with him, and a strange journey began. The walk started normal - just strolling down the street talking about the manner in which our relationship was ended. Then all of a sudden, we were engaged in some sort of race, or chase, or getaway from police or something, I'm not really sure. We were climbing all over the place, jumping from treehouses, running through people's houses. The feeling of it all was mostly frantic, like we were running away from something, but there were also periods of calmness. When it was frantic, I was pouring my heart out describing just how deeply he hurt me and how I had been mourning the loss of him over the past three years. I was telling him everything I've ever wanted to, like every single conversation I've made up in my head was actually being said. And when it was calm, he was telling me how much he missed me and that he made a mistake. At some point, he tried to kiss me, and I stopped him, as visions of Matt and Addison flashed before me. In that instant, it was as if everything I've been holding onto just - poof - disappeared. All the hatred, the sadness, the anger, the admiration, the love, the memories, the lies, the fights, the truth. All of it, good and bad, simply gone. And there he stood before me, just another person, no longer the owner of my damaged heart.

When I woke up, I felt so emotionally light and free. When Addison was born, I let go of the past a little bit, but I still carried the hurt and would allow it to get to me periodically. This morning, it feels like it's finally all gone. He was the love of my life, but that life is over. My new life has two new loves, the greatness of which he could never compete with.

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