Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I've got your back, Jack

I honestly have no idea how single mothers get through this. Every person has a breaking point, and I reached mine pretty quickly last night. I can see how people can snap and shake a baby. At some point, all reason leaves your head, all control is lost, and the frustration takes over. I had to walk away from her last night because I felt myself getting dangerously close to that point.

I was trying not to ask Matt for help because he's been fighting a nasty cold for three days and he really needed his rest. After five rotations of falling asleep in my arms only to wake up wailing as soon as she was put in the crib, Matt came in to help. And when she awoke screaming at 5am , Matt again came in to help. For whatever reason, I had zero tolerance and patience for her last night, and he knew it. Feeling as shitty as he did, he came to the rescue without me having to ask.

Last night left me feeling like a massive failure, like everything positive I've accomplished in the last three months was thrown right out the window. If I didn't have a pair of fresh arms to hand her over to when things get so rough, I'm not sure either of us would make it through this.

When I thanked Matt for his help, he said, "I've got your back, Jack." And boy am I glad he does. Addison and I are very blessed.

2 comments:

  1. I promise you I've had plenty of days like that. If any mother says she's never felt that way - she's lying. You are gonna have good days and bad days. So yesterday was a bad one. It's behind you now and every day is a chance to do better. You are not a failure - you are normal! I actually had an exceptionally low-patience day yesterday too - ending with me bursting into tears out of frustration. Haven't done that in quite a while.

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  2. Wow! What are the chances we would all have a day like that yesterday??? Something in the air. Anyway, Stacy, I could have written this entry myself. It's like you plucked it right out of my past. I've had many moments in which I had to set Owen down and walk away for fear I would snap. I walked away knowing that even though he was crying for me, at that moment, he was safer without me. I'd take the time to collect myself, re-assess the situation, and eventually give it another go. You did exactly the right thing and definitely are not a failure. I too, however, give mad props to single moms for this exact reason.

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