Friday, January 14, 2011


Addison Marie

Born November 5, 2010 at 3:13pm
6 lbs. 10 oz., 20.5 inches long
100% precious

I was in labor for 13 hours. Steady contractions started at 2am, and by 3am they had moved from 8 minutes apart to 3 minutes apart. I went upstairs, woke Matt up and said "You're not going to work today honey."  By 5am, we were on our way to the hospital.

I went into this wanting to last as long as possible without an epidural, but was also realistic in knowing that I have a fairly low tolerance for pain (the nurses holding my hands during contractions tried to tell me otherwise, but I think they were just being nice). At 9am, with my contractions barely a minute apart, I made peace with the situation and begged for the epidural. Everything was amazing after that, even actually getting the epidural.

Around 1pm, it was time to push (and of course, this came 5 minutes after I had decided to finally take a nap). My sister held one leg and Matt held the other. I could feel the pressure of everything, but there was no pain. With every push, all four people in the room made it seem like the next push was going to be "the one". Assholes. "The one" didn't come for over two hours. At 3:13pm, our then unnamed baby girl made her debut.

There's a picture of what my facial expression looked like as they were checking her over. I think the look can best be described as indifferent. I was expecting, hoping rather, that I would experience the euphoric feeling of total awesomeness that everyone says happens when you see your new baby for the first time. Honestly, I think I felt...nothing. Maybe I didn't know what to feel. Maybe my mind couldn't process everything the was going on fast enough for me to discover any emotion. The only thing I remember thinking is "Holy crap, that thing over there belongs to me. Wait, it belongs to me? How did I get here?" The experience was very surreal. As I stumble through this new world of parenthood, I try to keep in mind the following

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.  She never existed before.  The woman existed, but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new.  ~Rajneesh

I'm as new at this as she is. Mistakes will be made, tears will be shed, some days will be good and others will be very, very bad. In the end, I hope I'm able to teach her as much as she's already taught me.

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